Pretty People: Hayley (Living with the Enemy)

Do you know what it's like to hate yourself?
To come home every day and be left with the person you can't stand to look at; When that person is your reflection?
Do you know what it feels like to wish to be a bug? Just so you can morph into something beautiful and shed away the ugliness? To fly into the air and be weightless and to know nothing but that feeling?

But bugs are crushed just as often as a girl blinks her eyes...and Every second I have to blink and open to see my own face staring back in the mirror crushes me.

I don't know where I went wrong...Maybe it was the diet pills, or maybe it was the un-supportive friends. But I’ve gone to the beaten path of self hatred and I don't think I will ever get back to the road.

It's so hard to look back at what I once was, and be satisfied. I was smart, pretty, wanted...
Out of all the kids in my pre-school class, I was awarded "MOST OUT-GOING!". I look back at the memories of when i was likable and try to decipher what ruined me...
I am a soiled spirit. Not soiled by lust, or by greed, but soiled by myself.

I have ruined something pure. And I cannot cleanse it.

They say you sacrifice lambs to suffice for the deeds of all the flock. The black sheep is banished to the outskirts of dead-grass land, while the pure innocent is killed to pay for the others sins...

I am the gray Sheep. Both sacrificed for the sins of others and for the sins of my own. My spirit is banished to the outskirts of society.or perhaps just my inner-most thoughts.

Living with the enemy is hard.
Most times it's unbearable. You want to put the paper bag over your head and cover up the eye-sockets so you don't have to face yourself.
You turn away and shutter at the touch of your own flesh and blood and you pray to god to take you away from this body.
You promise the world, you give the world! Anything to not face yourself when the sun rises.

You spray to the god's of Porcelain, and flush your childhood memories and dreams down with your dignity.
You smoke cigarettes until you get cancer, you drink black coffee until you can't stop shaking.
You smash mirrors until you’re satisfied with destroying the figure staring back.

But nothing in this un-fair world will save you from the truth.

Pretty People are made out of Ugly experiences.

I'm not one of those people.
Not today.
Not ever.

Hayley Michelle 15 years old. December 1, 2011.