Breathe...In....Out

I don't remember how to breathe,
I must have forgotten along the way;
Standing on the cliffs over looking
The mountains that sink into
Water or something deeper.
Who needs air when we have nerves.

Right?


I am right, right?

Well maybe I'm left.
Turning into the elbows
Off the roadway
I parked and sat there for
And hour or so
Repeating those words on the
Screens spread wide
For everyone to see

I was terrified,
I am terrified that everyone would see
Will see

Saw

The remains of my youth
My passion

That rejection letter stamped on my hands
Branded into my skulls and bones
Agonizing with the sounds of
Absolute and un-promising

Failure.

Time goes on,
Time heals everything
But failure--- failure is wasted time

And you can't get time back
You can't replace or pause or steal or hold onto it

So I can't hold onto me.


Because I am failure.
Inside my blood
Boiling to a frozen state of
Anger
And Rage
Utter disappointment

Because you were my net
But I feel through into the arms
Of the mosh pits

So the world can see and comment on my life
As a post with the words
On top of our car roofs
By the edge of the cliffs


If this was a post you'd comment

Jump


And maybe I would
Because all I have ever wanted to do is please you

But maybe...

Maybe I'd just suspend my legs
Over the world and cry wolf
So you would come running down the sidewalks
screaming fire
Clearing out the movie theatres
To save me....

But this is not gone with the wind:
And I know you "Frankly, don't give a damn"

I don't wear curtains.

So I freak out because
I'm just not that girl

I go into my roof and hold my
Lungs in a hug
Until they burst, or feel like bursting

And then air rushes through my body
And I---


Remember.

How to breathe.

In
And
Out

In
And
Out

Then my feet lift

And I remember how to breathe again.


In

And

Out

Fish Girl

Starting the 2week blogging session about bullying and Suicide. This is a very serious topic; and I hope I can honor that in which so many people buckle under the stress and strain that a bully can put a person through....

But today, to start: I wanted to talk about the bully.

 

***

I never thought about her.

 

Not often, I mean.

 

That harsh radiance

That exuberance

Of her ever fainted frown

 

I...

 

I never really paid attention to the crown of her head

Split down the middle as hair began to form

Covering up what could be mistaken

As thoughts but I never really paid attention to it

 

So maybe they were,

But maybe they were the truth.

 

That would explain a lot.

 

That would explain everything.

 

She had beautiful wrists.

Tiny and nimble

Wrapped around a palm when I grabbed onto her

From pinky to thumb

Oh, hush tone now.

You talk too much without saying words

Just sounds

That no one can make sense of

So no one comes to rescue you from

Under the garbage bags…

 

She smelled of fish.

 

I remember that.

 

That guttural urge I got when I looked at her.

 

She was a fish

She belonged in water

She floated to the top

Upper belly

She can't swim

She was pushed in

She

 

She sank to the bottom of a test tube

Swiveled around

Passed in the papers

 

She slept with the fishes for all I know.

 

Now we all know, I guess

 

But water would never be the death of her,

Because water is like concrete:

It held her down as it filled inside her ears

Ringing and popping like

Fireworks in her eyes

Blinding everyone else

And they never saw what She

What I…

 

She was invisible.

 

The tiny little rock floating in orbit

Around the planets and stars

I knocked her out of orbit

Crashing into the earth

But she must have burned up in the atmosphere

As she descended

 

Down

 

Down

Down

 

Down

 

And hid herself in the earth

Away from the sun beams

Away from the stars and away from...

 

Sometimes I wish she never existed,

But days like this I hate her-I..

 

She never did anything but breathe the air in which

All creatures share but I

I guess I took it too personally

Because I'm not good with sharing

See

 

I'm the girl who hands bigger than her head

Who goes to hug and strangles instead

I can't lift your spirits

But I sure can lift you into the air; high

Throw you into the dumpster left for the night vultures

I can't –

 

I can't swim either

But I don't sink down into the earth

 

I stay.

I sit.

 

I shy away from those thought bubbles bursting from her head

So maybe...

 

Maybe

 

Maybe that's why I smashed it into the lockers

Maybe that's why I covered her head in day old lunchables

Pushed her into the pools of everything I just didn't want to hear, to face;

 

To be---

 

I never payed attention to her.

I guess everyone else is now.

 

Paper Planes and Rubix Cubes

You’re enjoying this...

I think that's what hurts the most.

The smile on your fingertips
As they forcibly lace into my hair
The comfort of the bed-side
Holding me unbreakably
As I am covered in a knife called kisses.

These bones, like paper planes
Leave nothing but dreams and paper-cuts
As the Rubix Cube of my mind
Is colored in black and white
Endlessly being picked apart at your leisure.

You'll never understand.

Then again,
It's not like you're trying to.

I want to run away from you
But these feet were made dancing
And certainty not for back-tracking
I have been watching the waltz for so long
I can barley count the rhythms
Of my own heartbeat.

One
.
.
Two
.
.
Three
.
.
It's disgusting.

These paper planes can't fly,
They can only jump and hide.

I don't hide,
I can't hide,
I won't hide.

There is nowhere to hide.

Because the facts are that monster don't live under the bed,
They're lying next to you in bed.

And I'm just glad you’re not a necrophilia,
Just an insomniac.

I've stopped sleeping.
And with that, dreaming.
Because it has gotten to the point were
I can't tell the deference between
Nightmares and Reality
And dreams are just hints of the future
That don't look too bright for either of us.

Please.

I'm not going to fight you,
Because fighting is immature;
And I'm not going to kill myself
Because suicide is selfish.

I'm not going to talk
Because selling out is weak.

I can't do anything....


And it hurts that you enjoy that.

How To Spell Love

I'm a fool

But I'm not stupid.

So don't think I don't feel the arrows in my back

When I turn and hug you

Saying it is going to be okay.

And yes: I was lying.

Because nothing is the way you need it to be,

I thought I could lean on you

But I fell down into the grave

You dug as you buried me under

Your guilt and this feeling

You like to spell out on your forehead

Like a neon sign.

Labels.

All over us;

Like skin almost, but not.

Seeping into my veins with words of truth and exaggeration.

Hello my name is...

Not important.

But what is, is the placement.

See you stamp it out in block letters over every surface you see

Claim it to be yours.

You see, I am not yours.

I am me.

Mine.

And this label you try to brand into my memory

Like it's been here all this time

And you’re the only one who sees it.

But you’re not that special.

I see it, I just don't hear the bells

Until you clang them against my forehead ringing them

Into my cerebral asking me if

I can feel it now.

You tell me to spell out the ways I love you;

I can barley even say I love you to myself,

And I can certainty not say I love you to someone who

Holds hands with barbwire wrists

And uses they're lips for cursing the others that pursue kisses

Don't ask me to spell out love for you.

It's something you feel.

.

.

.

I don't feel anything anymore.

The Skeleton In our Health Class

Hello Pretty People! This is day...okay, I've lost count already: but it is week 2 of the poems project!
I hope you like today's work!:

***

I dreamed once that I saw your face
In my mirror, rippling like water
With drops of Jupiter in your hair,
Just like the Train song.

I asked if you found what you were looking for,
You said you don't like music.
I asked again until you gave me that look
In your eyes that screamed
Silence the only answer I can give you.

I should have known better
Than to step on the feet of the
Wide eyed dreamer,
Because your head is too big
To look down on the ground
As you look up to the sky
And forget about this ant called
Your sister in which you have left behind.

I started dating the skeleton in our heath class,
Because he had nothing he could hide behind;
Always exposed and ready for me
To be--- to be.

And he inspires me-
Inspires me to be something more.
Something beautiful other than the shadow
Of the girl with big dreams that just so happens
To share my last name.

So let’s talk about the big elephant in the room.

I know you don't like it when I talk about myself,
But you never seem to either,
So I do all the talking and you do all the thinking.

The skeleton in the health class does the feeling
And I try to do the living
But I can't live if I'm not feeling-
Feeling the moment in my bones.

My ribcage can't touch the air yet,
And my collar bone is yet to protrude out to touch your lips
As they whisper words to me
"What are you doing, Sarah?"

That's the first thing you've said to me in months.

What am I doing?

I'm dating the Skeleton in our health class,
Because he doesn't have a heart and he loves me more than you ever will.

So as you are the girl with the stars in her eyes,
I am the girl with the rocks in her stomach
Laid against this pole upside my back.

I hear the teacher enter the class:

"Good day students. Today we're going to dissect the broken teenager who has lived in the shadow of her sister so long that she became a shadow entirely. Now turn to page 100 and begin".

I can't wait to be looked at from under a microscope.
Maybe then you'll start to see me again.

Ask Me Questions Like I Know the Answer

***
The beginning of week 2 everyone! EATING DISORDERS. This week really means a lot to me, if not the most to me; so here it is; kicking this week off!

This poem is just about the way I see myself in the best and worst light. Kind of a notion to body dismorfia...but also just a little preview into where I feel I am right now. (Stolen poetry from past blogs and Kate Nash songs)
***


If you asked me who I am, I’d probably forget to tell you my name.

Instead I’d tell you that my eyes are brown, and my hair is brown, and inside I'm brown like dirt.
That I'm shorter than my mother, but taller than some people in the world; and that I do indeed get mistaken for an 8th grader sometimes.
I'd tell you that I like walking better than driving because feeling the ground under my feet is an affirmation that I am alive and that I am connecting to something bigger than me.
I'd tell you that I think the sky looks too big at night and not big enough in the morning.
I'd probably explain that it has something to do with the fact that I wake up with every intention of flying and go to sleep knowing my elbows haven't sprouted wings yet.

But don't worry, I’d say, because I’ll wake up hopeful again tomorrow.

And if you were to wait around a little more, I might be persuaded to tell you I’d lost my mind seven years ago and would you be kind enough to help me look for it?
I'd probably tell you about the girls with teardrop-eyes who chewed up my heart because they thought it'd be aspirin and was indignant when it burned a hole through their livers.
I'd probably shrug and tell you my lips must be acidic because I never can kiss the same mouth twice.

This is probably about the time I’d laugh and tell you that I’m silly because I run away when I see what I most want.
I'd tell you that I’d rather spend my days messing up the puzzle pieces than enjoying the way they fit together. I'd say that most people think they're crazy but I know I actually am because I can't take a good thing and keep it that way.
I have a talent for pushing people away and lighting fires under bare feet. 

But I’d shrug and smile because I really can't blame the people that run, and I blame myself instead for chasing them down the sun stroked streets.

And this is probably when you'd pat my shoulder and tell me I’m not so bad.
Here, I’d probably say I know, because to be honest, I think I love myself too.
But I wouldn't be honest because everything I said has been a lie.
You wouldn't know that.
Because who I am, is everything I don't want to tell you.
So sometimes, no every time I have to look in the mirror and remind myself that I screwed up again, I think to myself: 
Days like this make me wish I was a smoker.
Because this tar I feel trapped inside, I'd rather be ingesting. 

But then I remind myself about the cancer and black lungs and yellow teeth and I’d laugh because I wasn't serious.
But if I was serious, I’d probably tell you that I feel bad for the people who ever have the bad luck to fall in love with me.
I'd purse my lips and think and tell you that they're going to have to have a taste for uncontrollable frustration because I could promise them that.
And it's a shame, I’d say, because every morning they're going to have to pick up the same pieces off the ground that they glued back together the night before.

But its okay, I’d say, because for now, I really am worth it.

And don't worry. I'd notice the way you're checking your watch and I’d stretch and say the weather's beautiful and isn't it a shame that I have to leave?
 I'd give you a hug and say what a pleasure it'd been to meet you and remind you to watch your tongue because you'll trip more often with that then your feet.
I'd pick up my purse and walk off thinking I’d look better if I was wearing a Grace Kelly inspired hat.
And I’d have forgotten you by the time I turned the corner.

That's about the time you'd remember I forgot to tell you my name.

But you didn't really need it to know who I am, did you?

TEENS AND ADULT DEPRESSION AWARNESS

http://www.facebook.com/events/399017816833171/#!/TeensAndAdultDepressionAwareness

This is a link to a good friends project to inform people about the harms of depression.
Please look at it, follow it; talk about it!

She is a great person, her personal jounrey is great; she is an inspiration.

LIKE
FOLLOW
TWEET
RE-TWEET

AND OF COURSE

DISCUSS!!!!!


Hayley Michelle

Illiterate

It's not litterary Gold, but it is something.DAY #3 OF THE PRETTY POEM PROJECT!

***

It's midnight and I'm writing love letters to the woman who raised me.
It's midnight and every limb has a story.
Broken into small fractions,
Like chapters rapped around my waist.
I read my lips like the bible,
And I burn them just the same.

Because my body is unworthy
Of your words
Your love is my language
So fluently spoken
Every syllable sounding
As the patterns revolve through
My teeth like floss.

It's midnight and I'm watching
The sentences
Trickled down the page,
Upside my leg as it circles the drain
In a dance known to the vulgar kind

If only you knew how many drafts
These wrists have endured
My collar bone aching with riddles
My hands blackened in the ink
Of these eyelids.

It's midnight and I'm reading
My fingertips
In fragmented run-on's
Oxymoron’s, metaphors
Similes
And watching your reaction
As it all goes down the sink.

You'll never read what I had to say
Because I loved you so much it was unbearable to speak

The treason it took

Its midnight and my lungs are collapsing
Bending into the tar I breathed
For 14 years and leaning
Into your grammatical errors
You are my net to fall into.

So morning come,
These words shall be gone as the tide,
And I will still be here
Muttering clashed up letters
Like mashed potatoes.
Gnawing on the sentences that were

You'll never know but what I wrote.
But neither will I,
You see,
My body is illiterate.

Icarus

DAY #2 of The Pretty Poem Project.
Today I thought I'd focus on the means in which make me...me. I thought about how I wanted to tell people about how they can...well can't...but can fly (metaphorically, emotionally and physically) and well....oh, for Pete sakes: just read. XP

***

I told you cardboard wings weren't meant to bend and break
Branded in glitter and peacock feathers
You’ve tried to make something of me
But I am a pigeon with unruly crow feathered features.

Even Icarus knew that birds were the keys to the heaven
And he danced on the sky piano
But got burned by the passion
That muses and music make,
Called it the sun and fell into the deep blue ocean
Of your fathers eyes.

Somehow,
Along this journey of blistered feet
We've learned to love.
To love the depth in a deep dish pizza,
And the cheap linoleum floors,
That will always catch us when falling of beds
Pretending we can fly.

Somewhere someone important said something
I can't remember it now,
But it reminded me of this moment in time
Where we looked at the stars and named
The elements of the universe
Dissecting it like the frog it was
Never questioning weather it was a prince or not.
I kissed it and only got warts
But the adventure in my veins was worth it.

I look at you and see an endless amount of possibilities,
Like a never ending story that ranges in 52 chapters, 793 pages.
Still counting.

You are the sister I never had,
The mother I never loved,
The brother I should have listened to
And the face I wake up to every morning
Singing your praise of being able to see this day
To hear this hymn
To touch your hand
And hold it so tight that I cut of your circulation.

I look at you and see an endless amount of potential,
Sitting there in glitter and cardboard box wings
Jumping off rooftops trying to fly to the sky piano.

 We act our age not our pants size,
 And I have grown older then the cosmos,
 As you've stayed consistent in your youth.

 We were never young to begin,
 But I still loved you like a baby.
 Cradled you until you suffocated in this sweet-and-low blanket I like to call arms.

 But now we must realize that the stars are just gas clouds,
 And love is an awkward mangled sound of letters forced on one another
 Like war in my mouth
 It tastes bitter.
 You taste bitter.

 So while I have Plath and Poe to hold me,
 My sweet dear Icarus...
 My father’s eyes were never ocean blue
 And my arms would send you into a diabetic coma,
 So I must let passion and plumage consume you.

 God would have given us wings if we were meant to fly,
 Without you I am grounded.
  But you have taught me to soar.

 Am I making sense?

Beautiful Girl (Inside/Outside)

So this is the start of something beautiful I'm sure.
DAY #1 of The Pretty Poem Project.

This week we are focussing on personal stories that we can share and help other girls (or guys) can relate to, listen to, and look to.

For my first venture into my dark yet sunny personal life, I thoghut I'd start by combinding two things that really made me as a person:

My middle school life
My music

So this is an"EP" of a song I wrote today and recorded. Also The lyrics:


Your not like the other girls in your class
the ones the boys always ask to dance
You say you don't mind
But that's a fat lie
You don't like watching the fun pass you by
The girls laugh at you
The boys joke
You hear their puns until you get home
You know that someday
This ugly duckling will be come a swan
But when will that day come

Cuz today feels like forever
And you can't break free like somethings stuck on your sweater
You hope that things will get better
But its taking its sweet time

You're beautiful on the inside
You're an inverse rose tonight
So let them tease
Because in time
You'll be one your way
To the spot-light you deserve
But for now
Yes for now
You're gonna have to stand by
Just remember your beautiful on the inside
And it shows on your outside

Your always picked last
No matter what the task
I know it hurts but
That too shall pass
You say you don't mind
And thats a fat lie
Cuz everyone need a friend sometimes
You hide behind the tree on the playground
you climb up so no one else can bring you down
They pass notes and push you around
But in a little time we'll see who's laughing now

Today feels like it won't end
Like yesterday over again and again
I know it's hard but
Stars don't shine on their own

 You're beautiful on the inside
You're an inverse rose tonight
So let them tease
Because in time
You'll be one your way
To the spot-light you deserve
But for now
Yes for now
You're gonna have to stand by
Just remember your beautiful on the inside

Sticks and stones may break these bones
Words will hurt us too
I know it's whats on the inside that counts
but it wouldn't hurt to be loved on the outside too

Your beautiful on both sides
Just remember to hold on tight
They might not see
They might not care
Just know I'll aways be there
You beautiful girl
You beautiful girl
You beautiful girl

Your not like the other girls
but that's why I love you