Pretty People: Ponelope (Over Achiever's Disorder)

OCD.

My dad told me once that it stood for "over-achiever's disorder,".

I didn't realize he was lying until I started lying to myself and saying that it was "ok".

But it wasn't ok,

It wasn't fine.

And that why I turned to writing, I guess.

Writing about some suicidal girl crying in a corner,

Writing about the boy who everyone laughed at and

Made tire tracks on his hands.

Writing about people...

People who were, are, is me.

And I couldn't hide from that.

I remember staying up for hours, curled in a ball crying like a seeding being watered with pesticides and growing up in a garden of GM Carbon-Copies. And being the wild flower, I never learned how to be wild or look like the flower I was.

I would have these terrifying visions always flashing in front of my eyes, that I would try to roll them backwards to keep the visions to myself so no one else had to be tormented.

And I wrote about that too.

I wrote about how the only thing I  wanted was my

Dreams to be as close to reality as they possibly could;

Because reality is only half of the pain we live through

And the hurtful part of it all is the

Nightmares that come true

And the dreams we never dreamed.

I never acted upon my suicidal thoughts,

I never did anything to fuel the fire that burned my happiness down like an ashtray full of wasted promises.

I did the only thing I could do: write.

Write about how the night consumed me

In every way and rocked me

To sleep because my dad had work in the morning

And could only stay with me for a few minutes when I

Woke up screaming and I-

I learned how to breathe.

"Water will wash away everything"

But breathing will make everything slow down and hurt less..

Maybe even make it feel good.

Breathing grounds us and frees us and

Fills us and simplifies us.

As complicated as we all think life is,

It all comes down to

Breathing.

Ask me where I was last year.

Last year...I never thought that I would even be here.

Last year I thought I would be hanging from my closet, not hanging at the mall.

This year everything is going to be fine, because I'm fine.  My friends, my family, my writing always reminded me that I was going to be okay, and that they were there for me. I can't even begin to describe how much they helped me. I'm not suicidal anymore, and I am getting better at handling my OCD." I know its clichéd, but I just had to take it one step at a time. I always tell myself that it's my mind, and I can choose what I think. Being suicidal is scary, and it can feel as if there's no way out, like nothing's ever going to change. But things do change. The best thing to do is find a strong support system, and get help. Immediately. There's nothing to be ashamed of-it's actually a very common thing. I know it's hard, but you have to remember that there's always something to live for. Even if you don't have that "something" right now, you'll be able to find it if you hold on. And if you have OCD, don't be embarrassed."

Pretty People are born out of ugly experiences.

OCD is not me.

OCD is a part of  me.

And what tam I?

I am a pretty person.

Someday.

Every day.

Starting Today.

Penelope     Age: 15      April 5, 2012