This is not a story about happiness.
And giddiness.
This is not a story about anything important.
This is a story about me.
This is a story about how I lost me.
My name is Sunshine I. Thermont.
I was 16 last year.
I will never be 16 again.
My younger-sister just turned 16. She has my eyes...
And it's kind of hard for me to look at her, because I look at her and I see my eyes. And I stare into my own eyes... and it hurts in a pleasant way. And I can't put my finger on it, but when I look into my own eyes I can't see my reflection, and I don't know why.
She was really smart...is really smart.
But she doesn't apply herself like she used to.
I guess it was really all my fault.
I carry her burden...and mom's...and dad's...and
His.
And his burden is MY burden.
And my burden is breaking my back vertebrae by vertebrae.
And twisting me over bone by bone.
I walk around with these burdens on my shoulders, etching down to my feet and dragging down on them like billiard balls. And I walk, and I hear the sound of cellophane footsteps and they go
"echo..step...echo step..cry. step. echo step."
But carrying these burdens was my choice.
I can't throw them into the ocean...or burry them in my back yard.
I can't hand them over to my therapist or even talk about it with my friends.
You know when something feels like it was just yesterday even though it was a really long time ago somewhere in the distant past? I feel my burdens every day.
His burden every day.
Like it was just yesterday... like it was just an hour ago..
Like everything just happened.
Sometimes I wake up screaming.
Most times I don't know what I'm saying, but I just scream.
And my mom has to come hold me down and scream back at me to make me stop....
But the scariest part of it all is that I see my little sister, peaking in through the door.
She's just starring like I was some animal in the zoo gone mad.
Like it was a show to her.
She didn't look happy, or please...or scared...she didn't look like anything but a stone wall.
But her eyes..sorry, My eyes...
They couldn't look away.
My little sister is addicted to meth.
I...I tried to help her, but I couldn't.
And I know she became a meth addict because of me and my decisions...
My burdens.
And I know mom smokes because of me, and dad drinks...
But It hurts to know that next to my bedroom my sister is flying high like a kite and when she comes through she'll crash and burn.
And its because of me.
You know I followed her once...to where she bought her addiction.
And every face on that ally side-walk look like
Him.
Everywhere I go, every face looks like him.
And I look into the mirror and sometimes his face is in place of mine.
And his hands are in place of mine,
And those hands are all over and smothering me.
And smothering me in places deeper then the pool I used to swim in at the YMCA,
and Places deeper than the lake I used to swim in when i was young.
I try to wash my burden off in the water.
scrub
scrub
scrub
But it won't come off.
It's like a tattoo.
My sister's burden.
My mother's burden.
My father's burden.
His burden.
This isn't the story about Sunshine and daisies.
This is about the suicide of innocence.
My name is Sunshine Innocent Thermont.
And I was 16 last year.
I will never be 16 again.
And I will never reach 17.
Written by: Hayley Michelle Age 15, February 9, 2012.
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