Fish Girl

Starting the 2week blogging session about bullying and Suicide. This is a very serious topic; and I hope I can honor that in which so many people buckle under the stress and strain that a bully can put a person through....

But today, to start: I wanted to talk about the bully.

 

***

I never thought about her.

 

Not often, I mean.

 

That harsh radiance

That exuberance

Of her ever fainted frown

 

I...

 

I never really paid attention to the crown of her head

Split down the middle as hair began to form

Covering up what could be mistaken

As thoughts but I never really paid attention to it

 

So maybe they were,

But maybe they were the truth.

 

That would explain a lot.

 

That would explain everything.

 

She had beautiful wrists.

Tiny and nimble

Wrapped around a palm when I grabbed onto her

From pinky to thumb

Oh, hush tone now.

You talk too much without saying words

Just sounds

That no one can make sense of

So no one comes to rescue you from

Under the garbage bags…

 

She smelled of fish.

 

I remember that.

 

That guttural urge I got when I looked at her.

 

She was a fish

She belonged in water

She floated to the top

Upper belly

She can't swim

She was pushed in

She

 

She sank to the bottom of a test tube

Swiveled around

Passed in the papers

 

She slept with the fishes for all I know.

 

Now we all know, I guess

 

But water would never be the death of her,

Because water is like concrete:

It held her down as it filled inside her ears

Ringing and popping like

Fireworks in her eyes

Blinding everyone else

And they never saw what She

What I…

 

She was invisible.

 

The tiny little rock floating in orbit

Around the planets and stars

I knocked her out of orbit

Crashing into the earth

But she must have burned up in the atmosphere

As she descended

 

Down

 

Down

Down

 

Down

 

And hid herself in the earth

Away from the sun beams

Away from the stars and away from...

 

Sometimes I wish she never existed,

But days like this I hate her-I..

 

She never did anything but breathe the air in which

All creatures share but I

I guess I took it too personally

Because I'm not good with sharing

See

 

I'm the girl who hands bigger than her head

Who goes to hug and strangles instead

I can't lift your spirits

But I sure can lift you into the air; high

Throw you into the dumpster left for the night vultures

I can't –

 

I can't swim either

But I don't sink down into the earth

 

I stay.

I sit.

 

I shy away from those thought bubbles bursting from her head

So maybe...

 

Maybe

 

Maybe that's why I smashed it into the lockers

Maybe that's why I covered her head in day old lunchables

Pushed her into the pools of everything I just didn't want to hear, to face;

 

To be---

 

I never payed attention to her.

I guess everyone else is now.